Multiple Sclerosis, The Fear Of Tomorrow

 

Living with Multiple Sclerosis in a state of fear and in a “stand by” mode was never an option from a long list of choices, but I was and somehow still look at it as the only available path left for me with MS. As I’m always doing my best to keep almost everything in balance and to stay away as much as possible from stressful situations, but I wonder for how long should I wait for the big avalanche to happen? Why should I even wait for it to begin with?

 

… for how long should I wait for the big avalanche?

 

The unpredictable nature of MS episodes and symptoms in addition to the overall worsening over time, initiated a fear of tomorrow that kept on building up from the diagnosis day. A fear that holds me from planning any long term projects, because, it will shatter my heart and soul if I must abandon any project midway, thanks to any related MS issue. So, after weighting the ins and outs, I decided to just sit and watch as a spectator rather than being the main character of my life.

Over the past years, I excelled in tightrope walking past different situations, which feels like I deliberately capitulated to MS, since avoiding any constraining situation also means missing various opportunities, personally and professionally. 

 

… also means missing various opportunities, personally and professionally.

 

Personally, by simply omitting the possibility to have a relationship, thanks to two primordial issues: Primarily, when and how to announce to the other person my health condition*, and then answer all their questions honestly and objectively.

Secondly, I never want to be a burden* on someone’s shoulder, a weight that might hold them from achieving their goals or sens some kind of pity from their part.

Professionally, by canceling all my Higher Education plans and halting my work experience objectives, and since my employer is well aware of my condition, why should I change my job? Why should I readjust to a new work environment? Will they accept to hire me despite my condition?

A condition that I won’t miss to announce during any job interview, as a key aspect and factor, that is, just as important as any other information in my professional resume. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I prefer to stay honest. Furthermore, the idea of losing my job or the work capacity in case of an irreversible disability is frightening and is beyond the anxiety of relying on Social Security benefits only as a major source of income.

As time goes by, the fear of rejection and failure grows exponentially to reach an overwhelming level leading to a stalling sensation, ironically, it feels like if I take the risk to go a step forward I might end up steps behind my starting point.

The fact that I’m well aware of the comfort zone I’m passively in and that various psychiatrists didn’t miss to mention, doesn’t help me at all… Or am I just playing the victim card here, but for how long?

 

I would like to turn the tables on MS…

 

MS is here with me to stay for a long time if not forever, it is going to be shadowing me whatever the decisions or choices I make. Facing this reality will for sure help me move forward. Ideally, I would like to turn the tables on MS and make it the reason to excel and face the daily life challenges ahead.

Tomorrow and the future are unknown, but being the main character and holding the grip from MS is a key to counter the gloomy horizons ahead, since there’s much more to gain back than there is to lose.

I know that I have to take back the control of my life from MS, to live and to interact with the people around me and to be an active person. Even though I can’t keep permanently this positive state of mind as a response to an oscillating situation, I have to face my fears, ask the right questions and identify my fears legitimacy. It won’t fully halt any MS relapses but I’ll be living fully with MS, and facing the important and frequently occurring “What if….?” question.